my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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