Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
