I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
