The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
