i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
