my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
