I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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