I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
