i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
