I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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