i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
