your parents love me but you hate me
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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