Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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