Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
