Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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