Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
