I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
