when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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