Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
