it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
