I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
