I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
