just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
