My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
