also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is it penis luge time yet?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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