Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
