Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
