you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize