I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
