he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
