I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
