Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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