Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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