Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
