i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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