apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
