i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
