I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
