I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize