Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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