Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
