I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
