Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
