Someone shit on the floor
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize