I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
