I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
