im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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