Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
