I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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