when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You left your phone here
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