My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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