If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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