Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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