Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
