Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
