so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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