Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
