I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
