cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
