It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
