I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
