why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
