Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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