I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
